God makes our decision clear

  We've been out of town! :)  We took a vacation to the beach with Jarod's family for the 4th of July.  Post of our vacation coming later.  I'm back on track now & ready to continue sharing our story. :)
  First, let me say that I always thought that if I had ever been put in the situation of terminating a pregnancy I would not even consider it.  Being in the actual situation was completely different.  Honestly, yes, I did consider it.  At some moments, it seemed better to do that than to have to bury a child.  It was something Jarod & I had to work through and something that God had to make clear to both of us individually. 
  There was so much I learned through these three weeks of waiting for our next doctor appointment.  As I mentioned in my last post, Psalm 139 was a passage of scripture that spoke to me in ways I can't explain.  I had learned this psalm in the 7th grade.  As I was praying through what we would decide to do with this pregnancy these verses stayed stuck in my head.  I knew God was making this decision for us.  Psalm 139:16 says "Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."  Could that be any more clear?  God had already decided how long our baby would live.  It wasn't up to me to decide how long he/she would live.  Whether that was 2 hours, 10 days or 50 years after she was born, it wasn't my decision!  After I realized that, I had more peace than before because now I wasn't facing a decision.  Now I was facing what God's plan already was and that brings incredible peace of mind.  I had come to this conclusion on my own, and I trusted that God would lead Jarod to the same conclusion, which He did.  However, it wasn't in the same way.  I hope Jarod will do a guest post some time and share many of the things he learned through this experience. As a reminder to me that God's plan is always the best, Psalm 139:13-16 now hang on painted canvases in Harper Kate's nursery.  I never want to forget that her days are numbered and all God has asked me to do is care for her and love her for the time He gives me.
  As I listened to praise music all week, and tried my best to stay in God's word, I felt God speaking through different lyrics and specific verses.  Early in the first week, my mom reminded me of the song "Beauty Will Rise" by Stephen Curtis Chapman.   He wrote this song after his daughter was killed in the family driveway.  I can't imagine going through that, but the lyrics of that song brought great comfort as I wondered how I would handle the possibility of planning my child's funeral.  This would be a song that became a theme throughout our journey.  Many times my mom and I would say "beauty will rise out of these ashes" as a reminder that something was coming from this time of trial.  The lyrics are below.

It was the day the world went wrong
I screamed til my voice was gone
And watched through the tears as everything
came crashing down
Slowly panic turns to pain
As we awake to what remains
and sift through the ashes that are left
behind

But buried deep beneath
All our broken dreams
we have this hope:

Out of these ashes... beauty will rise
and we will dance among the ruins
We will see Him with our own eyes
Out of these ashes... beauty will rise
For we know, joy is coming in the morning...
in the morning, beauty will rise

So take another breath for now,
and let the tears come washing down,
and if you can't believe I will believe
for you.

Cuz I have seen
the signs of spring!
Just watch and see:

Out of these ashes... beauty will rise
and we will dance among the ruins
We will see Him with our own eyes
Out of these ashes... beauty will rise
For we know, joy is coming in the morning...
in the morning...

I can hear it in the distance
and it's not too far away.

It's the music and the laughter
of a wedding and a feast.
I can almost feel the hand of God
reaching for my face
to wipe the tears away, and say,
"It's time to make everything new."

"Make it all new"

This is our hope.
This is the promise.
This is our hope.
This is the promise.
That it would take our breath away
to see the beauty that's been made
out of the ashes...
out of the ashes...
That it would take our breath away
to see the beauty that He's made
out of the ashes...
out of the ashes...

Out of these ashes... beauty will rise
and we will dance among the ruins
We will see Him with our own eyes
Out of this darkness... new life will shine
and we'll know the joy is coming in the morning...
in the morning...beauty will rise!

I said earlier that I had not found the strength, faith or belief to pray for healing for our child until the middle of the week.  After reading this verse, I found a new belief that God IS able to do more than I could imagine.  Why have I not been asking for healing?  God might not answer my prayer as I want, but why have I not even thought to ask him?  These were thoughts that went through my mind.  I suppose God wanted me to journey through doubt and wondering if He was even present.  Once I got through those initial feelings of being alone in this and feeling as though God was no where to be seen, I began to see that He alone would be my ONLY hope!  I'll leave you with the truth of God's word that He is able to do BIG things if we learn to depend on Him. 

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us."  Ephesians 3:20

These three weeks "immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine" meant our child living after he/she was born.  Well, I think God answered that. :)  Here's a picture the day we got home from the hospital.