Monday, June 27, 2011

We Were "Alone"

Sunday night we returned home from Birmingham.  We cried the way home, we talked about what we were going to do, we didn't know how we were going to make this decision.  One difficult thing that we both struggled with was how could God put us in a place to make this decision.  Why would He do such a thing?  Either we make the choice to bring our child into this world, then prepare to bury him/her or we terminate the pregnancy.  Do either of those choices look good or make sense to you?!?!
  We arrived back at our apartment Sunday night with heavy hearts.  As we put our luggage down in our room, we embraced and immediately broke down in tears.  Trust me there were few words spoken, but nothing could have spoken more loudly to me.  We were hurting and completely devastated.  After a few minutes, Jarod asked me one question.  Do you remember the song I sung to you when we got engaged?  This seemed like a very strange question at the time.  "Yes," I said, but really didn't understand what it had to do with that moment.  Immediately, we listened to it.  The song was "Go There With You," by Stephen Curtis Chapman.  The words are below.  As we sobbed through the song, we both realized that God had led us to this moment and had already prepared us both to walk through it TOGETHER. Let me take this time to say that without God first, and Jarod second, I would have never made it through this journey.  There is no doubt in my mind that he is the perfect person God prepared for me so that I could get through this.  He has been stronger than I could have ever asked him to be, has been an encourager and most of all has held my hand the whole time.  I'd never ask for a better father for Harper Kate.  Another song Jarod remembered from when he was young was "Hold On To Jesus," by Stephen Curtis Chapman.  Ok, so we listened to lots of SCC when we were younger. :)  Neither of us had listened to this song in a while, but nothing was more appropriate for that moment.  Here is a link to "Hold On To Jesus."
  As we went to bed that night, we begged God to give us the grace, strength, patience & faith to walk through the next few weeks.  We had obviously not gotten to the point yet where we could ask for healing for our child.  We would go back in 3 weeks for another ultrasound and then we'd have to make our decision as to what we would want to do.  I would be 15 weeks at that time. 

"Go There With You"--Stephen Curtis Chapman

I know you've heard me say these words before
But every time I say I love you the words mean something more
I spoke them as a promise right from the start
I said death would be the only thing that could tear us apart
And now that you are standing on the edge of the unknown
I love you means I'll be with you wherever you must go

I will take a heart whose nature is to beat for me alone
And fill it up with you - make all your joy and pain my own
No matter how deep a valley you go through
I will go there with you
And I will give myself to love the way Love gave itself for me
And climb with you to mountaintops or swim a raging sea
To the place where one heart is made from two
I will go there with you

I see it in your tears - you wonder where you are
The wind is growing colder and the sky is growing dark
Though it's something neither of us understands
We can walk through this together if we hold each other's hand
I said for better or worse I'd be with you
So no matter where you're going I will go there too

I will take a heart whose nature is to beat for me alone
And fill it up with you - make all your joy and pain my own
No matter how deep a valley you go through
I will go there with you

I known sometimes I let you down
But I won't let you go - we'll always be together

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