Thursday, December 15, 2011

Some ugly, but honest thoughts

  Today has been an extremely hard day.  Well maybe the past few days.  Harper Kate has been really struggling with her seizures lately.  They've never been fully under control, but lately it seems like the medicine isn't doing anything.  We've tried increasing the doses, but it's not seeming to make a difference.  Yesterday, I was practicing feeding Harper Kate carrots and she was loving every bite!  All of a sudden, her eyes crossed, she was staring straight ahead and stopped breathing for about a minute.  It was like she was looking right at me, but wasn't there at all.  After trying to call her name and patting her on her back, I called 911.  She came back after about a minute and once the ambulance got here, she was back to breathing normally, but was completely exhausted since it was a new seizure.  We headed up to the Children's Hospital here in Atlanta where all of her doctors are, headed to the ER in the ambulance and saw a doctor there.  After they took some blood, checked her medicine levels and gave her an extra dose of phenobarbitol they sent us home. 
  I figured she would be pretty exhausted today from all the medicine, but unfortunately she continued having her "normal" type of seizures throughout the day.  I then had to give her an adivan tablet which completely knocks her out.  She's been asleep for the past few hours.  The doctor has decided to up her medicine again, so hopefully beginning tomorrow she will begin to get better.
  While she has been asleep, I've felt all kinds of emotions.  I'm angry, bitter, frustrated, annoyed, sad, but more than anything I feel betrayed and alone. I feel like God has completely abandoned me.  I feel like He does not hear my prayers or that He doesn't care to answer them.  I've begged Him to make her seizures stop, I've told Him I can handle a LOT, but the seizures are pushing it over the edge, that I feel like He has left Harper Kate and me in the middle of a desert with no water or anything to survive.  Medicine doesn't help, doctors are confused and left at a loss of what to do, and the God that supposedly is greater and stronger than all of that is doing NOTHING.  I know this is all not true, but these are the thoughts I've had today, hence the title of the blog. I'm sorry to those brave enough to continue on reading this...
  Why would a God that loves me and loves Harper Kate more than I do allow her seizures to continue, allow her brain to "fire" almost non-stop causing my happy, lovable, precious child to be upset, frustrated and in tears all day?  Why would He put her on this earth to be in pain or hurt?  She knows there are things going on that are not right, she knows something is wrong and it isn't getting better and I feel as though she is looking to me, her mom, to fix it and there is NOTHING I can do.  I want to tell her, "I've asked God to fix it, but apparently He doesn't care about you like I do." 
  Honestly, I wish God would make her whole, or allow her seizures to stop and return my precious, happy child or just take her on to heaven where she would be whole and her personality that is so adorable would flourish.  How dark is that some of you might think?  For a mom to wish her child was in heaven instead of on earth....Only a few of you can imagine what it is like to watch your child hurt and be in pain so much that it almost seems BETTER for her to be in heaven with Jesus.  I cannot explain to you that feeling.  I feel AWFUL saying that & I would be devastated if that is actually what His plan is, but the reality of the situation is that I would rather me hurt, than have her upset and hurt.  I would give anything to trade places with Harper Kate, for her to be ok and me to have struggles.  It seems incredibly backwards that God is trying to teach me some sort of "lesson" through this trial using my CHILD! What have I done to deserve that?  Have I really abandoned God that much, or have I sinned so greatly that the consequence of my sin is that my child is not "whole." 
  I KNOW deep down that these thoughts are wrong and that Satan is beating me while I'm down, so that I stay there, in the depths.  As I read through the book of Job this afternoon, tears streaming down my face, gasping for breath as I yelled at God as loud as I could, I took some comfort in the fact that God says "Where were you when I laid the earth's foundation?  Tell me, if you understand.  Who marked off its dimensions?  Surely you know!  Who stretched a measuring line across it?"  Job 38 continues with God reminding Job of how powerful He is and how ultimately in control He is.  In Job 42, Job replies "I know that you can do all things, no plan of yours can be thwarted."  Ultimately, Job realizes as he has cursed God that God is able to do all things and His plan ultimately will occur. 
  I don't LIKE God's plan right now.  I don't UNDERSTAND God's plan right now and I don't AGREE with God's plan right now.  I wish this wasn't his plan, but truth be known, I KNOW He has a plan.  It's hard to come back to that realization and I can't honestly tell you that I am there.  What I do know...I know that God's word is true. I know it is living and powerful.  I know that in the end, all that lasts will be His word and that it is the only thing I can stand on.  The truths below are reminders of His wonderful plan, love and faithfulness to me even when I feel abandoned. 
  God has ALLOWED Harper Kate to be developed as she is and HE ALONE will complete His ultimate plan with her in the end.  As of late this afternoon, I've chosen to take God at his word, because I have NO OTHER OPTION.  I trust that He will heal Harper Kate in the time and way he chooses and I trust that He will hold my hand while we walk through "the valley of the shadow of death." 
  Thank you for allowing me to share my fears and thoughts with you.  I covet your prayers for Harper Kate, Jarod & myself as we walk through this journey God has placed us on. 

Psalm 32:7  "You are my hiding place; you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance."

Psalm 77:14 "You are the God who performs miracles; you display your power among the peoples."

Psalm 91: "He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.  I will say of the Lord, He is my refuge and my fortress, my GOD in whom I TRUST." 

Psalm 91: 9-12 "If you make the Most High your dwelling even the Lord who is my refuge then no harm will befall you, no disaster will come near your tent. For he will command his angels concerning you, to guard you in all your ways.  They will life you up in their hands so that you will not strike your foot against a stone."

Psalm 91:14-16 "Because he loves me, says the Lord, I will rescue him; I will protect him for he acknowledges my name.  He will call upon me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him.  With long life will I satisfy him and show him my salvation."

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." 

Psalm 139:13-16 "For you created my inmost being, you knit me together in my mother's womb.  I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made.  Your works are wonderful I know that full well.  My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place.  When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body.  All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."

James 1:2 "Consider it pure joy my brothers whenever you face trials of many kinds because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. 

Psalm 139:7-10 "If I go up to the heavens you are there, If I make my bed in the depths you are there.  If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me.  Your right hand will hold me fast."

and finally.....
     Psalm 150:6  "Let everything that has breath praise the Lord."

PS...Please forgive all grammar and spelling mistakes...posting without proofing can be dangerous. :)


  1. Just saw this on fb Courtney-i can't even imagine how hard it would be to see your baby suffer so! I've been in awful , dark, horrid places of grief & despair -praise God for the scriptures he's given you and your faith in Him. He, with the support of all your friends & family-will contine to carry you through this trying trying, painful, painful time. Ahh! Love you sweet CJ!! And I will pray for you and your precious baby. Lam 3 is also a fav-our pastor just preached on it on Sunday. . . ~Amanda

  2. Hk, we love you so much and I know that is nothing compared to the love your mom and dad have for you and there is NO comparison to the love th Lord has for you. I am praying for Him to put His big arms around you and your mommy right now. I am thankful for your mommy and her heart even when it is dark. I do not know why your seizures won't stop but one day they will that much is promised to you. There is nothing I can say to make the hurt and feeling of abandonment go away but know we love yall and never stop praying!

  3. Courtney, I love you so much. And I think you are the brave one. Your questions are valid and are worth asking. Your anger is justified. You are doing everything exactly right - feeling and acknowledging all your emotions but coming back around to the truth - the truth that is right now not giving you concrete answers. Hang in there with the Lord, even though it is hard right now.

  4. Courtney, I am so thankful that the Lord has brought us together. I hope, and pray, that I can be a help to you because I do understand how you feel. I know it's so hard and it seems impossible some days to think that God has a good purpose in any of this; believe me, I've thought that sometimes 2 and 3 times a DAY. Tonight, I am praying especially for the Lord to guard your heart from Satan's lies and attacks. Here is a verse that a friend of mine sent to me that has been a constant help for me: "I have given you authority to trample on snakes and scorpions and to overcome all the power of the enemy; nothing will harm you."-Luke 10:19
    I love you, sweet friend, and precious Harper Kate, too!

  5. Dearest Love One Courtney, Just wanted you to know that I read your blog and I am praying for Jarod, Haper Kate and yourself during this time. Although I am so far away I feel the presence of the Lord this very moment. Thanks for posting my love.


  6. Dearest one, you are in our prayers.

  7. Oh Courtney-my heart hurts for you. I am lifting all three of you up right now in prayer. Even in the dark, God is there. Sometimes it takes reflection to see His master plan! I love you!

  8. I am so sorry that you have to see your precious little girl hurting. I can't even imagine and I will continue to pray for you all.

  9. Courtney I am so sorry your heart hurts. However it is a confirmation of how deeply you love Harper Kate. I think of Mary and how her heart must have hurt to watch her son Jesus be crucified. I pray God will hold your heart in his hands and give you peace and understanding. You are a great mother and of course you would take all the pain and struggles Harper Kate endures as only a good mother would. And when you are in this dark place all you can do is tel God exactly how you feel, as my brother (Pastor B.R.) says, "this is not the time to lie to God and say pretty words. He already knows your heart, he already knows your words". Don't feel guilty for feeling the way you have described. You are human and you hold your baby and struggle with her to ease her pain. Your heart is full of love and hurt all at the same time. I pray your days get easier and Harper Kate gets better everyday.

  10. There are no words that a human can tell you to make you feel better...I pray that the enemy flees from your thoughts and the Holy Spirit surrounds you with the peace that only Christ can give! I do want you to know though that when you mention that God is teaching you a lesson through your child...He may be doing just that, but by your obedience to Him in sharing your family's story, He is ministering to multitudes through your precious child. Thank you for sharing. I will be praying for her and you and Jarod. I pray that God will bring complete and total healing to Harper Kate! He loves you both so much!

  11. Thank you, Courtney, for reminding me that God DOES have a plan...and for encouraging me by sharing your struggle - I am reminded that I'm not alone, and that it is okay to be angry, sad, and frustrated. I've been in a similar place - wondering if God even cares - if He listens - and wondering the purpose of it all. But, we know that He does have one...and He is using you and HK. You are in my prayers.

  12. O Courtney,
    Tears are streaming down my face right now as I recall all the same thoughts and feelings I had when my sweet Mother was suffering with the complications from Parkinsons' disease. I thought the same thoughts and prayed the same prayers I just read from you. I just want you to know that I am standing by you and mentally wrapping my arms around you right now. Love.......Carol

  13. Courtney, I greatly admire your honesty. Not many people are so vocal about their inner struggles. Many will benefit from your raw emotions and white knuckle grip on truth. Continue to remind yourself everyday of what you know to be true. I have been in some very dark, confusing times and through it all I would ask myself, "okay, what do I KNOW to be true." I would rehearse what I knew to be true and pledge my allegiance to the Creator. It was all I knew to do and I think that every time I did it the serpent's head was crushed again. Keep it up dear girl. God does some of his deepest work in our darkest hour. He IS with you and you will see better days, and you will know HIM in a deeper more wonderful way than you could ever imagine. Love and prayers,Kinsey Oglesby

  14. Please know that you and your whole family are in my prayers. I don't know what your going through but I have been through so very hard times and GOD was always with us,even during the times I couldn't understand why, I never gave up. It took 2 1/2 yrs. but prayers were answered. I feel we went through this so as to be able to help others going similiar problems. God is always by your side. Love you and your family through Jesus Christ

  15. I can't thank you all enough for your prayers. Thank you for reading my ugly thoughts and then sending so much love and encouragement via the Internet. I am feeling better and am now ready to catch my blog up. Haha...HK is doing better seizure wise, but is still sick. I'm ready for her to feel better!! Thanks again. You all have lifted me up when I couldn't pray for myself...I m eternally grateful.